Country Humor

Aggie presidents
By Mitch Jayne

With the presidential election getting closer every day, all the candidates are darting around like trout fry in shoal water. Being from Missouri, I hope one of them will show me a shiny side I can identify with. So far, if I were fishing for a farm-raised specimen, I'm out of luck.

Not for the first time, I should add. Out of 43 presidents, only five had any farming history, and George Washington, our first, called himself a planter, not a farmer. I guess that means he didn’t mind planting cotton but was way too busy to pick it, what with that tussle with the British and all.

James Madison was the next one to farm, and he really worked at it until the neighbors pestered him into politics. They said a land this big needed somebody who remembered it was mostly dirt.

We had to wait a bunch of years for the next farm-raised president, U.S. Grant, who, like Washington, only got the job because of his war sense. Turns out his war sense didn’t match Washington’s. And, he was noted for appreciating corn more than planting it.

The country had to wait a long time for another president who had actually put a plow in the ground: Harry Truman, who came home from WWI to help his daddy farm for 10 years before he opted for making a living instead. One of the many things Harry is remembered for was his plain speech (probably learned from his years of reasoning with mules) and his farmer-direct way of dealing with first one crisis then another. Washington D.C. held few surprises for a man used to Missouri weather.

By the time we got to Jimmy Carter, our affable peanut farmer from Georgia, the country was beyond using his kind of expertise. Farming itself had to be explained to city children who thought cows were milk machines on Sesame Street and all vegetables, including corn, came from California, grown by a green giant.

Jimmy didn’t stand a chance. I firmly believe it’s because he refused to go on TV wearing a peanut suit, top hat and a monocle and twirling his cane, which would have impressed everybody.

Meanwhile, I’d still like to try another farmer. They deal with basic values, and are experienced with money problems. They are used to fence mending and have learned to cope with bureaucratic thinking, understand both pig and bull-headedness, and will (best of all) listen to advice when it’s honest.

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